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19 July 2013

Nostradamus and Charlton


I've recently discovered two lost quatrains of the 16th century visionary Nostradamus, whose predictions are invariably correct. Thanks to his clear warning, the American government was able to prevent the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Oh, no, wait, that didn't happen. Well I'm sure it's just because they weren't reading him properly. Let's not make that mistake again.
When the Spanish come to the valley
The defences will be solid
A Breton giant will lead the charge
And a man from the west will rule.

But Oh, the woe that will befall
The speaking man will become silent
The clocks will cease from marking the hours
And death death death death doom.

It's pretty clear what's going on in these lines. At first it seems we might be talking about a military campaign, but that mention of "The valley" means "the Spanish" can only refer to Tony Jimenez. The "Breton giant" is obviously Yann Kermorgant, and the man from the west is an oblique reference to Chris Powell's heritage. All looks good so far, yes? How wonderful that Nostradamus could have predicted Charlton's resurgence under Chris Powell so clearly!

But then, there's a dreadful prediction. "The speaking man" is a clearly a reference to the head of communications, who has indeed just become silent. When clocks mark the hours, what do they do? Of course they strike, and so we realise that Nostradamus foresaw Charlton's lack of a regular striker.

The last line is far from ambiguous.

So, there we have it. The people who are predicting disaster for Charlton (as they always do at this time of year) aren't just acting out of ignorance and pessimism (as usual), they're heard of this prediction. For once they're not talking uninformed nonsense, but are basing their statements on solid, ancient wisdom. And I, for one, am terrified.

16 July 2013

The curse of a literal mind (5)

The Guardian is running a course in setting up your own mobile food business. For just £129 you can benefit from the wisdom of six speakers, one of whom is Charli Matthews.

I hope she washed it first.

(Thanks to Nikki for spotting this.)